At Last The Lie Can Be Told

2013

This project began its life as a bizarre improvisation I recorded for my 20th Anniversary Show in August, 2009. I worked on it piecemeal between 2009 and 2013 while recording Inside The Frame, Blustering Tunnel Puppets, and Playa In Twilight. I started by cutting up the improv into several pieces and adding loops and overdubs to make each piece into a separate song, giving each of them the oddest title I could think of. Originally, the project had no underlying concept except as a collection of weird stuff, but as it developed I could see a story emerging so I decided to make it into an avant-garde rock musical along the lines of The Residents’ Not Available, Zappa’s Thing-Fish & Joe’s Garage, and Buckethead’s Bucketheadland 2.

WHY JOHNNY CAN'T BREED

Click. Johnny wakes up hung over, turns the radio on and spills the empty beer cans lying around as he washes his face in the sink. A jet flies over. ANNOUNCER: …we’ve already written it and we guarantee you might like it. In other news, the disappearance of Johnny Nukular on this terribly tragic day in our nation’s history is a truly unfortunate propinquity. Please wait patiently for Operation Eat Me to completely resume before returning to your homes to percolate your barfbags. Citizens are urged to take emergency shelter immediately as this crisis is continuing and intensifying… The Main Title music plays, then Johnny sings a song about his early life, followed by howls of intoxicated anguish. JOHNNY: Oh yeah! (Take it away, Johnny!) | The day that I was born the doctor kicked me in the balls | I spend my empty school days roaming empty high school halls | Teachers try to tell me but they haven’t got the nuts | Full of junk, mostly drunk, school lunch irradiates my guts | The day that I was born my daddy punched me in the nuts | I spend my empty hours pumping booze into my guts | People try to tell me but they can all just snort my balls | Full of shit, mostly lit cigarette, passed out in the stalls | I can fuck but I can’t breed

THE LEGEND OF JOHNNY ELECTRIC TERRORIST BITER

Enter The Narrators: Frederick Flapjack and Uhclem Frozo. Professor Frozo is Dean of the Philosophy Department at Fokk University . Frederick is an entertainer and talk show host who goes by the name of Fartin’ Freddie Flapjack the Fabulous Felching Frog. Frederick narrates the story of Johnny’s entry into the military and selection for a top secret experimental project designed to test if he could be given super abilities. Meanwhile, Professor Frozo is giving a commencement speech at Fokk U. FREDDIE: Johnny, hey Johnny, what you gonna do Johnny? | Forget school and join the army, stamp your file “Completely Barmy” | Oh Johnny, stupid Johnny, what you gonna do Johnny? | You’ll join a secret project, just another gov’ment object | Oh Johnny, robot Johnny, you’re just a weapon now Johnny | Go and find out where they’re hiding, give those terrorists a biting | Oh Johnny! | So Johnny said… JOHNNY: Fuck it! FREDDIE: …and did it but somethin went wrong…terribly, terribly wrong! He went nuclear…I…I…I mean nukular and went on a fuckin’ rampage! FROZO: It’s so nice to see such innocent faces for a change. You’d better remember that face boys and girls because it’s going away forever the moment you leave this hallowed institution. (applause) You are all going to turn into wrinkled horrible little trolls sooner or later so you might as well get used to the idea and begin to think about getting some practice in. The competition is really thick out there! FREDDIE: Anyway the day it all started fuckin’ happening, Johnny was hangin’ round on the base, the MP’s just walked up to him and grabbed him, stuck a needle in his arm and he just started twistin’ around, his eyes all buggin’ out…fartin’ and ejaculatin’…his arms turned into machine guns with rocket launchers…his eyes became laser sights…his legs became jet engines…his ass became a death-ass which spewed deadly poison gas with the distinct aroma of that crapfuck Mexican restaurant down on the Drag that damn Billy Sweetpenis loves so damn much…

FILET OF CORNFLAKES

Alarms go off on the Base because of Johnny’s transformation. When it is complete, he takes off in the air and leads the various Air Forces of the world on a futile chase, and destroys every plane or missile sent against him. He is an unstoppable force.

OPERATION EAT ME

Johnny, flushed with his new sense of invincibility, announces his first major campaign which seems to have no other point than to humiliate all other humans on earth and bend them to his violently capricious will. He is joined in his television propaganda broadcasts by a small Vizier, who spouts arrogant pronouncements in Johnny’s name. VIZIER: Slave-humans of the world…behold! Johnny Nukular, the Grand and Exalted Electric Terrorist Biter!!! JOHNNY: I will make you hungry with my every offhand thought | I will make you not remember things your mama taught | You will eat me in the morning with the grass adorned with dew | You will eat me in the evening with the house awash with spew | Though I’m just filet of cornflakes with a barfbag of some note | I will make you eat me greedily and take me down your throat | You will snort and you will gag and feel the great dyspeptic burn | And I will writhe around inside you my pathetic butter churn | You will eat me in the springtime with a giant easter egg | You will eat me in the summer with a giant turkey leg | You will eat me in the autumn with a piece of pumpkin pie | You will eat me in the winter with my semens in your eye | I will make you swallow everything that comes out of my holes | I will fill you with the liquids of my many giant poles | I will fester deep inside you, you will want to vomit me | I will scream as I’m digested: “You are now a part of me!” VIZIER: Slave-humans! That has been Johnny Nukular, the Grand and Exalted Electric Terrorist Biter, may you all drink dust in his name…

JOHNNY BITES

Freddie Flapjack relates the results of Operation Eat Me, while the Professor continues his speech. FREDDIE: Johnny, oh Johnny, what you gonna do, Johnny? FROZO: Yeah. You guys will mostly likely get your balls smashed in with meat tenderizers and you dolls will probably get your pussies rammed with spiked baseball bats…just fucking face it. Your genitals will be ground into cheap pate and your fingerprints will be all over the kitchen along with your blood, your sanity and your self-loathing. And “why?” do you ask? Well, do you? Go ahead and ask, you gutless piles. No? Want me to ask for you, huh, cupcakes? Well, why do you think your private sensitives are in so much utter danger from your near-future self? Anything percolating upstairs, Dick and Jane? FREDDIE: What you gonna do now Johnny? You staple-gunned the president to a mountain lion. You took the mayor of London and shoved him up the mayor of Paris’ ass. You flame-broiled most of Africa and the Middle East with your napalm diarrhea. Russia couldn’t stop you from giving them sulfuric acid bloody mary enemas. The Chinese and the Japanese and the Koreans couldn’t stop you from shoving them up a whale’s bottom and setting them alight with your fiery alcoholic breath. The Brazilians tried to bribe you with rum and sex, but you boiled them all in oil when they failed to put cheese on your fish tacos. JOHNNY: Ha ha! FREDDIE: You defeated them all and you rule the world and have nothing left to do except go to the club and find a nice lady electric terrorist biter to give you kiss and maybe an electric bite job… JOHNNY: Oh, yeah!

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DOUCHEBAGS

Johnny goes to Club DB to party and try to score with one or more ladies and winds up making a big splash in the tabloids. PARTY GREETER: Welcome to Club DB, Johnny Nukular… JOHNNY: Well, alright! PARTY GREETER: Step right this way… LADIES: Hey hey Johnny we all need you | Hey hey Johnny we will eat you | Hey hey Johnny you so famous | Hey hey Johnny you will save us | Hey hey Johnny in you we trust | Hey hey Johnny and now we must | Dance dance drink dance dance | Dance dance drink go home | Dance dance drink dance dance | Dance dance drink go home JOHNNY: Hey hey baby don’t mistreat me | Hey hey baby fuckin’ eat me | Hey hey baby gimme titties | Hey hey baby gimme clitties | Hey hey baby don’t go so slow | Hey hey baby hey now let’s go JOHNNY & LADIES: Dance dance drink dance dance | Dance dance drink go home | Dance dance drink dance dance | Dance dance drink go home TABLOID REPORTER: …but the big news here is Johnny Nukular, the famous Electric Terrorist Biter, has taken time out from his very controversial Operation Eat Me to spend New Year’s Eve at the fabulous upscale Gubbler Hotel, partying and dancing the night away with young models, starlets and octopi. It is rumored that superbigtimeglampornrock star Lady Booya was in attendance and reportedly very attached to the new ruler of the known universe…

SIZZLING SYZYGIES

Superbigtimeglampornrock star Lady Booya and a young female friend retire with Johnny to the penthouse suite of the Gubbler Hotel and have a joyous evening’s sexual encounter.

HANDMADE DESIGNER BARFBAGS PERCOLATING IN THE SUN

Johnny does a commercial for a new product marketed to the affluent. He does it for the sake of his own propaganda, to make some money, and because he seriously has nothing else better to do. JOHNNY: That’s right, you go on down and get you some handmade barfbags, made in America. Tell ‘em Johnny Nukular sent you. USA number one! SUPERMODEL CHORUS: Handmade designer barfbags percolating in the sun | You won’t know it’s a barfbag until the percolating is done

JOHNNY SELLOUT

Professor Frozo deals with a barely competent heckler while Freddie tells of Johnny’s plans for the next phase of Operation Eat Me, the creation of a Giant Frankzappamonster that he could unleash, and then destroy for the world to see…a false flag operation to further set himself up as the world’s greatest and only savior. FREDDIE: Johnny, oh, Johnny, what is left for you now Johnny? You are rich and famous beyond your wildest imagination. You are the envy of every man and the desire of every woman. You sup and dine with heads of state and captains of industry. So…why risk that? FROZO: Everything can change on a dime based on what this stupid loser does or does not do at any given moment, which up to now has been mass-murder, utter debauchery and intemperance! HECKLER: Who’s that?! FROZO: Who’s that? Johnny Nukular, you upper-class nerd sucklers! FREDDIE: What do you have to gain by entering into a battle where the outcome is uncertain? Must one always wait for circumstance to occasion a true hero’s ascendance? JOHNNY: Well, strangers have left on longer trains before… FREDDIE: Yes, shake and shout! Johnny Sellout! We’ve seen your kind before. We know now that you made that monster in your secret lab, based on a scary record some loser tried to get you to listen to back in your alcoholic high school daze. All you had to do to save the day was to activate the secret kill switch you grew from your earlobe! What happened to you that terrible day, Johnny? What happened to you?! All you had to do was turn it off, Johnny! I lost my mommy, Johnny! My fuckin’ mommy! I will never forgive you! The world will never forgive you. Shame on you Johnny. Shame.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT FRANKZAPPAMONSTER

Johnny gets really drunk the night before the Giant Frankzappamonster is set to attack. In an alcohol-fueled reverie, he imagines being a witness to both the impending carnage and the arrival of himself as Johnny Nukular to save the day. He eventually passes out drunk before he can finish the story. JOHNNY: I was walkin’ down the street | Rumble under my feet | Giant crack in the ground | Giant wall of sound | Could not believe my eyes | Frozen and hypnotized | Crawlin’ up through the crack | Ready for his attack | Oh holy shit it’s Frank | He’s got a fuckin’ guitar | His eyes ablaze with fire | He’s fifty feet or higher | When he sustains the note | Whole city blocks explode | They don’t know what the fuck | The army is shit outta luck | He’s headin’ out to DC | And he’s gonna fuck up the PMRC | And they don’t know what all to do | Except to launch a few tactical nukes

YOU DON'T HAVE JOHNNY TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE

Freddie tells the end of Johnny’s story, while Professor Frozo writes a check with his mouth that his hindquarters can’t cash. FREDDIE: Johnny, oh Johnny. They found you slumped over the toilet in your shitty little apartment, the radio tuned to the stupid popular music station, empty beer cans everywhere. You drunken fuck! You stupid redneck asshole! All you had to do was sit around and get fucked! But, no! You had to have all the glory forever. You cannot have all the glory forever! FROZO: Shut up! I’m giving the speech now! Figure out how to make me into an electric professor and then you can be up here crying about the so-called World Emperor and how futureless your juniors will be. I’d bet you’d you like that shitfruit, huh? Hey! You kids get away from me! FREDDIE: Dumbfuck! Asshole! Nobody cares about you anymore. I don’t give a goddamn about the Johnny Nukular Fan Club out in Williamson County, they are all wrong! Wrong! We never needed you, Johnny, and now you’re dead. Good.

WHY JOHNNY CAN'T BREATHE

The Giant Frankzappamonster destroys half the country, including all of Washington, DC, while Johnny is passed out drunk. It finally runs out of power the next day while trying to use a giant rubber chicken to measure the Statue of Liberty. JOHNNY: (dejected) Oh, yeah… (remembering the club) Hey, hey baby!... (then the fish taco in Brazil) Ha ha… (feeling chest pains) Argh!... The End Title music plays. A jet flies over. ANNOUNCER: …when reached for comment, Lady Booya said she regretted she had no news to tell of her somewhat off/on lover/boyfriend/tool and that her new album ‘The Lame Are Born This Way’ will be hitting the stores this summer. Featured on the new album is a new song written for Johnny Nukular called ‘How I Love That Rich Ugly Freak’ as well as her latest smash hit single ‘I Don’t Wanna Wait To Kill Myself’. Please continue to stand by as we wait for the still very controversial Operation Eat Me to conclude… Johnny reaches over to the radio and turns it off, his last act before dying. Click.